Expectations vs Goals - Expect Disappointment

Have you ever “expected” to get a promotion, and then it didn’t come to fruition?

Have you ever “expected” to get the starting position, and then it didn’t happen?

What about when you “expected” your significant other to do something, and then they didn’t do it?

Expectations are killing us. Not because they’re wrong, but because we’re using the word wrong. It’s causing disappointment, frustration, anger, and aggravation.

On a recent call with a group of athletes, we talked about the difference between expectations and goals. Here’s a summary of what each one said:

Athlete 1: Expectations drive you forward, but can also lead to disappointment.

Athlete 2: Use expectations to push yourself harder.

Athlete 3: Expect the best, prepare for the worst.

Athlete 4: Evaluate life expectations. Understand the so called “agreements” you have made with yourself, and more importantly, how they play a role in each aspect of your life.

Athlete 5: The difference between an expectation and a goal: 

Expectation = Something you set. Goal = Something that you work toward.

Athlete 6: Goal = Have 2 hits in 3 at-bats. Expectation = Hard work + focus.

If at this point you’re feeling confused about how expectations and goals differ, that’s okay… you should be. These athletes have used the words expectation and goal interchangeably, except for the last athlete. They believe the words are synonymous, but are they really? If in fact they’re synonymous, why does it hurt so much more when our expectations are not met, as opposed to our goals?

The Difference Between Expectations and Goals

According to the New Oxford American Dictionary, the definitions are as follows:

Expectation - A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

Goal - The object of a person’s ambition or effort; An aim or desired result.

Here’s the problem: People tend to make the mistake of thinking that expectations (coming to fruition) are fully within their control. This way of thinking is also influenced by a person’s character and how hopeful they are about said expectation coming true. The fact is, most people don’t manage their expectations correctly, and make them uncontrollable. 

With the way most people manage expectations, you should just fix the problem up-front and replace the word “expectation” with “hope.” Some examples being, “I expect/hope to get a hit in today’s baseball game,” or “I expect/hope to get a raise at work,” or “I expect/hope that even though I didn’t study, I’ll ace this test.” 

Expectation Management

You and I both know it hurts, it hits us SO DEEP, when we don’t get that hit, raise, or A+, and that’s because we truly BELIEVED it was going to happen. But remember, that uncontrollable expectation is actually a goal!

Expectations are related to goals because when we manage them correctly, they’re process related. We should expect hard work, focus, attention, energy, attitude, and preparation.

We can’t expect a hit - that’s our goal.

We can’t expect a raise - that’s our goal.

We can’t expect an A - that’s our goal.

It all comes down to expectation management. I was talking to a quality assurance manager at an auto finance company yesterday and he said, “Certain members of my team are telling clients that they’ll get their titles transferred through an escrow easy and fast. The thing is, we don’t actually transfer them easy and fast, we do it safely and securely. I had to have a conversation with my team members about expectation management between them and the customers.”

This conversation he had with his team was CRUCIAL. It’s worth noting that he never mentioned a single GOAL to his team. The only words he used are VALUES: Fast, easy, safe, and secure.

This is the key difference. Expectations are related to the process. Goals are related to the outcome.

Expectations in Relationships

In relationships, we see this error all the time.

Let’s say you get your crush a gift. You put a lot of time and effort into not only the gift buying process, but also what you’ll say as you give it. After all that, let’s say you find their reaction to be less than what you expected. You got them the gift, put yourself in an emotionally vulnerable situation, and they didn’t appreciate or acknowledge the gift (or you) the way you envisioned it.

You expected them to make a positive connection with you, but the problem is, we can’t control other people, and therefore, it hurts. You got let down.

Oh, but my friend, did you catch the problem here? You’ve mistaken this exchange as an expectation, when it was actually a goal the whole time. The goal was to show them that you like them, and sometimes we don’t reach our goals.

What should I be expecting from this exchange then, you might ask? Answer: To merely warm your introduction so you can learn more about them.

With this proper expectation, when you give them the gift, it doesn’t matter how they react. The other person is almost completely taken out of it. You are now coming at it from a place of curiosity, to learn about them for the sake of deciding if you have similar values and actually like them as a person.

So, let’s get back to our A, the hit, and the raise. These were our expectations, but they ought to be reframed in our mind as goals. If we see them as goals, they’re each a sure thing. The goal is met by working your tail off studying for the test, not by hoping you’ll get an A. The goal is to get a raise, so you better be a stand-out employee, doing exemplary work, so you can present your case to the boss. One doesn’t just sit back and hope for a raise, they go for it and state their case for one. All goals take 100% effort and are mostly within your control, whereas misplaced expectations just come down to hope and luck, and are totally uncontrollable.

Why do you deserve a promotion? I perform at the highest level and have the credentials.

How did you receive the credentials? I graduated from school by completing the courses.

How did you complete the courses? I put in the necessary TIME, EFFORT, and WORK.

EXACTLY!

Exemplary performance + credentials —> promotion. Goal met!

Summary

Underlying factors to meet the goal: Time, effort, and work… and these underlying factors is where our expectations must lie.

What is one time in your life when you felt incredibly disappointed because you didn’t meet a misplaced expectation? What about one time when you placed an unrealistic expectation on someone?

If you’re having trouble managing expectations with yourself, set up a call below. If you’re having trouble setting the proper expectations with your team, set up a call below. If you’re having trouble setting expectations in your relationships, set up a call below.